Rough Draft (Very, Very, Very Rough Draft)
...
When I realized that I couldn't have faith the same way I'd had faith my whole life, when it came to me suddenly that life wasn't fair and that the suffering everywhere just didn't seem to point to a loving God that controlled every single situation (as I had long been taught), I was a little scared. What if I died and went to hell while I was doubting and doubting and doubting and not believing one single thing, not knowing if I could believe one single thing I'd ever thought I'd known? What if I looked into the face of God and felt nothing? What if I could never ever pray again? I wanted to be a spiritual warrior! I wanted to be perfect as my Heavenly Father was perfect!* Except not anymore! The anxiety was too much. Way, way, way too much. So I decided that I wanted to know God as He is, that I wanted to believe, but not just because I decided to believe because that seemed kind of stupid. Lots of people believe things because they are afraid and decide that they must not risk letting go of what they were brought up to believe because OMG HELL, I MIGHT GO THERE, AND I CAN'T EVEN RECONCILE THE IDEA OF HELL WITH A LOVING GOD ANYWAY.
I can't reconcile the idea of hell with a loving God. That's still a hurdle. And yet I do believe in hell, and it turns out that I do believe in spiritual warfare, just not the Frank Peretti endorsed kind, and good golly, it turns out that the mystery of God as a baby is still everything I ever wanted in God.
I cannot explain or express to anyone where I am right now or what I believe about faith and God and hell and "winning people for the Lord." It doesn't seem right to explain. But life is changing, and I am finding every day that something I thought I didn't really believe anymore, that I couldn't just believe anymore, just might be possible.
This is an unfathomable gift.
I read Real Live Preacher's story of losing his faith sometimes, and it gives me great comfort. I want to come out on the other side, but I don't want to do it via the shortcuts of denial or rote. I want the top shelf Christianity, and I don't want to get it any way but the way I was meant to find it.
It might take a long time.
I will wait.
Love,
Mary
*Turns out the word perfect is not what the original language means at all, at least not in the sense of flawlessness or never doing anything wrong at all ever. It means something more like complete, more like whole. I can get behind complete. I can embrace whole.
2009-02-03 - 12:07 a.m.
