I have another new entry for today, a poem, so click back if you want it.
At Christmastime I was having a hard time reconciling the past with the present, a connection I still felt, quite deeply, that I assumed would fade. I heard a voice, but sometimes I doubt that voice. My own intuition, the Holy Spirit, the voice on high. I can't always trust that I've heard right.
And I don't pretend to understand that.
And I don't pretend to have moved past everything that ever was.
And I don't pretend to look back on the past without some measure of wistfulness or regret.
And I don't pretend that it won't be all right.
It will.
It has to be.
I wish I had been born later, or someone else sooner, or that the timing had lined up to make some things more possible than they were. It would be a disservice to my life now to dwell on these things, but this is where I come to be honest, to pour out the things, however vaguely, that I would not say otherwise, for there is healing is speaking these words aloud. I love the life I have now. I love my house and my garden and my three cats and the good man by my side. My life is indescribably and incredibly blessed.
But at the same time I feel a lack, a loss, a sadness, especially now, and I think that maybe I am still grieving. I think that maybe I will be for a long time. It was a great loss. A friend, a lover, a muse. I was foolish to think....well, I was foolish. I will leave it at that.
Love,
me
2008-06-05 - 3:40 p.m.
