If you're reading this, I guess you can count yourself lucky. I don't think there are many of you that come around here anymore, which is why I'm writing so much here lately. I like the feeling of knowing that there won't be a hundred people coming by in a day, just looking. This seems a bit more private, more personal. I don't mind if you're stopping by, but I'm glad it's you and not everyone and their mother (truly--mothers!--a number of people who read my other site also have a mother who checks in on me from time to time).
The thing about lately is that everything has seemed so disjointed, yet oddly in place, oddly as it should be. Nothing fits neatly like pieces of a puzzle, but it's okay with me.
I realized afresh this Monday how much I love my apartment. Started looking around while everyone was there for my birthday party and thinking how warm and cozy and homey it's become and how strange it will be to leave it. But sometimes it's good to take a really big risk, to be able to leave something behind in favor of something that could change your life, and hopefully for the better. I really hate it that my life so revolves around money, that moving to New York seems so attractive for the reason of financial ease alone. I mean, it is attractive for other reasons as well, but that is Reason Number One I'm doing it. The thing is that I don't think that I should feel so bad about that, but I do, like I've sold out to American capitalism. But it's not so much about that, is it? It's more about freedom from the burden that money has become. I have an opportunity to make my life better financially, and it would be so silly of me not to take it just because I feel bad about making (what is to me) a lot of money while there are others who make less. My hope is that I won't get caught up in having a lot, but instead will live with much of the balance of my new funds going places I've wanted to send it for years. I hope I don't forget about all those things I've been wanting to give to all this time, that I don't just shove those things aside in favor of new shoes. I know myself, and I know my weaknesses, and I know how easy it is for me to justify spending frivolously.
Gah. It's sticky, isn't it? The whole stewardship thing? How much should I give? How much is it all right to spend and outright enjoy because I have worked hard for the job I'm able to get? And in the same vein: How do I stay humble? I'll admit to already looking down on someone I know because I am able to accept an opportunity like this and a similar one will not likely come her way. Sometimes I think the rug should be pulled right out from under me for the arrogant thoughts I think. As if I'm so much better than anyone else. Pah.
Well. Enough is enough. I'm sure you're bored already, that or you're off thinking your own thoughts about stewardship and pride. I hope the latter is the case, that I've at least given you something to chew on. If not, at least I've spilled my own guts to my satisfaction and can now go put another load of clothes in the washer.
2005-11-30 - 2:13 p.m.
